Thursday, 22 February 2018

Fade to grey

I am descending into something I cannot see. It feels like it's picking up speed, but I cannot stop it. My doctors have silently given up on me, having nothing more to offer.

Sunday, 15 October 2017

So it’s rorschach and prozac and everything is groovy

I'm alive, barely. My psych doc decided to stop prescribing sleeping pills out of the blue, so I didn't slept properly for over a week. I was constantly tired, nauseated and so grumpy all the time. I didn't shower in days because I couldn't stand up in the shower, I was so exhausted. My anxiety level was through the roof. I had to stop taking Venlafaxine due to my blood pressure and am back on Edronax. Finally someone in my doc's department took pity on me and gave me a prescription for sleeping pills yesterday, so last night I slept properly for the first time in ten days. Sleep is underrated.

The boyfriend told me I need to get out more, since I got winded from going to and from the store across the road. I told him that I got winded because I'm stressed and that makes the muscles in my back tense up so I can breathe only shallow breaths. He asked me why I was stressed. Because we don't have any money, I told him, but that was only the partial truth. I had an anxiety attack because I had to calculate in the store how much we could afford to buy, because he spends his money building a huge CNC machine in my living room that he won't be able to use until he gets a garage which won't happen until he finishes uni and gets a proper job, and then I got anxious because this lady wouldn't move so I could reach the tomatoes, and then the bf took ages picking out a cheese (JUST PICK THE SAME AS ALWAYS FOR FUCK'S SAKE) and then the guy in the check-out line said howdy (tjenare) instead of simply hello (hej), and then when we got back from the store someone was carrying a shitload of things into the stairwell, and then we couldn't take the lift because of the things that were being moved in so we had to walk two floors, and I hate walking up the stairs before him because I am always afraid he's going to grab my ass, because that is what my dad did when he was alive. I can't tell him those things, though, that EVERYTHING I do brings on anxiety, even the smallest (to him) insignificant thing, because he wouldn't understand. My whole life is just one anxiety attack after another.

And just now I can hear him fidgeting about in the kitchen. It turns out that he's making dinner for himself since I haven't started it yet and he was hungry. It didn't occur to him to, perhaps, I don't know, tell me he was hungry right away? So, yeah, anxiety upon anxiety.

I just want to die sleep.

Tuesday, 23 May 2017

The turtle moves!

Blood pressure's down from 230/120 to ~150/100 at the GPs and ~150/80 at home (thank you, white coat syndrome) so the meds are obviously doing their job, even if its still a bit high. Everyone keeps asking me how I feel, or felt before the meds, but I just feel the same i.e. nothing special. I did notice that I didn't get my customary migraine during ovulation this month, and I don't have as many ordinary headaches either, now that I come to think of it, but that's it.

I lied to my psych doc during our last meeting. I told her that now that early summer is finally here I can go outside and get some exercise. As I was saying the words, I knew I was lying. Of course I won't go outside. How can I, when I am so scared to leave the apartment that I can barely go to the laundry room two floors down? I am so afraid that people will point and stare and call me names that just the thought of going out makes my mouth dry up. The problem is that she weighed me and said, "won't it be fun to see how much you've lost until next time?" Yeah, it's going to be hilarious.

As you can see, both aforementioned problems would fix themselves with a little bit of exercise/weight loss. How hard can it be?

We went to see Alien: Covenant at the early showing today and it was just the boyfriend and I there, in the largest theatre. It was glorious, and I give the movie a 3.75 out of 5. Then we went to my favourite pub and I had their veggie burger, a slice of deep fried celeriac with haloumi on top, and a pint of Magners Irish Dry Cider, which of course made me tipsy, and it was like the best birthday ever. No cake, no gifts, no people. Although I did cheat and got a gift for myself, from Amazon. His name is Freddie after Freddie Mercury and he is a green sea turtle (it's World Turtle Day today on my b-day which is just fantastic because I LOVE sea turtles). I've dabbed some essential oils on him to help me sleep.

it's so fluffy!

Friday, 28 April 2017


I went to see my psych doc yesterday. At the end of our meeting she took my blood pressure, just because it was quite some time since I checked it last. She checked it twice, then called for a nurse to check a third time.

The last reading said 230/120.

I was sent down to the Medical ER and then I had to stay there from about 11am to 6pm while they took urine and blood tests and regularly checked my blood pressure. Now I'm on three different medications and have to check my blood pressure every week at my GPs practice. I was more irritated than scared to be honest, but this morning I woke up with the worst fear of death I've ever had. I don't want to die, not like this anyway.