I was terrified.
We talked about therapy and I am so afraid that she will push me into seeing someone. It hasn't worked before, and I've tried it all.
- Support group at the local women's shelter with others who were sexually abused as children
- Psychotherapy (five different therapists, started when I was 16)
- Massage therapy
- Group therapy
- Art therapy
- and yes, even crystal/chakra therapy (that's how desperate I was)
I've said no to ECT (shock therapy) and EMDR (mostly because I think it's baloney (and I did do chakra cleansing, so that says a lot) but also because the only one performing EMDR at my hospital is a man and I am sure as hell not going to relive how I was molested in front of that).
She asked me what I do all day and I told her about my daily schedule. I had to assure her that I actually have a rather active life on the Internet, that I do have friends even if they live in Japan or Brazil or wherever, and that those relationships work better than the ones I used to have IRL. I am active on several different kinds of forums, I work on my website, I read and I write. I do not want to have to start going to a daily activity centre (daglig verksamhet) again, because that was fucking awful. I coldly told all and everyone that I have an IQ of 147 and that I did not appreciate being bundled up together with a load of (and GODS do I apologize for this) retards. I didn't have to come back after that, though.
There will be an overhaul of my medications (six different kinds, twelve pills a day). She wants me to stop taking Venlafaxin/Effexor, which made me gain TWENTY fucking kilos. I hate that drug, not only because of the weight gain, but also because it makes my brain feel like mush. I feel as if I have Alzheimer's; I forget things, words, I can barely keep up a conversation. She was talking about Voxra/Wellbutrin, as it usually shows great results with Asperger patients, but we'll see; she had to consult her boss first. I have staretd to cut down on all my medications (Edronax/Reboxetine, Venlafaxin/Effexor, Abilify/Aripiprazole and Zyprexa/Olanzapine) except for the two kinds of sleeping pills, because whether or not I get Voxra/Wellbutrin I still want to quit the others, or at least reach a dosage where I don't fall asleep on my feet.
She said that besides the Asperger's, my medical journal mentioned "a traumatic childhood," but nothing about it. I burst into tears before I could even say a word.
She told me that there is no shame in feeling relieved that my father is dead. I cried even more.
I told her how he broke my rib beating me when I was four.
"Why didn't social services do anything," she asked and I just stared at her.
"How would they even find out," I said.
"Well, your parents took you to hospital, right?"
I told her that my mother handled it by leaving me crying in bed while she went to my grandma's and that I still have a knot where it didn't heal properly.
"That's so sick," she said and I could have hugged her for that.
She is very young.
(she also said she'd call me within a few days to let me know about the meds. it's been ten days now, and i'm still waiting)