Saturday, 1 April 2017

Keep calm and take your medications (or not)

I went to see my new doc last week; I've been transferred from the general psychiatric department to the psychosis unit.

I was terrified.

Still am.

We talked about therapy and I am so afraid that she will push me into seeing someone. It hasn't worked before, and I've tried it all.

  • Support group at the local women's shelter with others who were sexually abused as children
  • Psychotherapy (five different therapists, started when I was 16)
  • Massage therapy
  • Group therapy
  • Mindfulness
  • Art therapy
  • Hypnosis
  • CBT
  • and yes, even crystal/chakra therapy (that's how desperate I was)

I've said no to ECT (shock therapy) and EMDR (mostly because I think it's baloney (and I did do chakra cleansing, so that says a lot) but also because the only one performing EMDR at my hospital is a man and I am sure as hell not going to relive how I was molested in front of that).

She asked me what I do all day and I told her about my daily schedule. I had to assure her that I actually have a rather active life on the Internet, that I do have friends even if they live in Japan or Brazil or wherever, and that those relationships work better than the ones I used to have IRL. I am active on several different kinds of forums, I work on my website, I read and I write. I do not want to have to start going to a daily activity centre (daglig verksamhet) again, because that was fucking awful. I coldly told all and everyone that I have an IQ of 147 and that I did not appreciate being bundled up together with a load of (and GODS do I apologize for this) retards. I didn't have to come back after that, though.

There will be an overhaul of my medications (six different kinds, twelve pills a day). She wants me to stop taking Venlafaxin/Effexor, which made me gain TWENTY fucking kilos. I hate that drug, not only because of the weight gain, but also because it makes my brain feel like mush. I feel as if I have Alzheimer's; I forget things, words, I can barely keep up a conversation. She was talking about Voxra/Wellbutrin, as it usually shows great results with Asperger patients, but we'll see; she had to consult her boss first. I have staretd to cut down on all my medications (Edronax/Reboxetine, Venlafaxin/Effexor, Abilify/Aripiprazole and Zyprexa/Olanzapine) except for the two kinds of sleeping pills, because whether or not I get Voxra/Wellbutrin I still want to quit the others, or at least reach a dosage where I don't fall asleep on my feet.

She said that besides the Asperger's, my medical journal mentioned "a traumatic childhood," but nothing about it. I burst into tears before I could even say a word.

She told me that there is no shame in feeling relieved that my father is dead. I cried even more.

I told her how he broke my rib beating me when I was four.

"Why didn't social services do anything," she asked and I just stared at her.

"How would they even find out," I said.

"Well, your parents took you to hospital, right?"

I told her that my mother handled it by leaving me crying in bed while she went to my grandma's and that I still have a knot where it didn't heal properly.

"That's so sick," she said and I could have hugged her for that.

She is very young.

(she also said she'd call me within a few days to let me know about the meds. it's been ten days now, and i'm still waiting)


  1. Good luck with all the meds stuff! I hate the side effects of most meds. Like, why would you put me on something that makes me feel worse???

    Though I hate psychiatry in general since I know it's an absolutely bullshit "science" haha

  2. i love you, gorgeous.

    i really hate how much you've gone through in your life. really. and i really do want you to be happy.

    you hold on there, gorgeous.

    "She told me that there is no shame in feeling relieved that my father is dead. I cried even more." there is no shame. you're a good person, you know.

    i hope that she talks to you about the meds soon.

    i hope that things look up a little. i worry for you, beautiful. and i hate the sick things that have been done to you. nobody deserves that. especially not you.

    it is disgusting that anyone could've done those things to you. it is horrifying what you had to go through.

    i really am hoping for a miracle for you. <3

    - Sam Lupin