Monday, 27 February 2017

Well, erm, hello again

I haven't been around lately because there isn't much going on here. Every weekday is spent the same as the one before and the one after. I wake up at eleven, turn on my computer, eat my dreary yoghurt so I can take my medications, watch Emmerdale at 12pm, Medium at 1.05pm, Doctors behind closed doors at 2pm, have dinner at 3pm, watch TV again from 4pm until bedtime at 9pm, all the while sitting in front of my computer. I take my first evening meds at 9pm, second at 10pm and sleeping pills at 11pm, falling asleep at around 12am. Then it starts all over. Sometimes there are deviations to this daily schedule, but they are rare and usually upset me. Weekends are slightly different, depending on what's on TV, but the computer is always turned on from 11am to 9pm.

We had a great time on the cruise, got drunker than skunks, lay awake almost the whole first night just talking (still drunk). I didn't feel fat or horrible, like I did on the disastrous Riga cruise, but truly enjoyed the three days onboard.

(the photo on the previous post is actually of the ship, on the main deck where most of the shops and restaurants are)

My mother attended a seminar with my sister and her husband due to the fact that my youngest nephew has ADHD. The seminar touched on all the major diagnoses, from ADHD to Asperger. Mum called me up as soon as she got home.

"Now I understand why you are the way you are," she said excitedly and I had to dig my nails into the palm of my hand so I wouldn't scream.

A seminar isn't going to change the way I was brought up, with the shaming and the abuse. She could have made certain I got help, because she knew something was wrong when I was just a kid. But I guess she just didn't care enough.

re: gastric bypass/sleeve/etc:

Of course I have thought about it, a lot, and I was sooo mad at my doc when he refused to refer me for surgery, but he was probably right, just like you Tempest: I binge and I have read horrible stories about what happens when you binge after such surgery. The binging won't go away just because I am told not to, because then it obviously wouldn't be an issue.

I lost a lot of weight in January, gained it all back in February. March, I will lose it again or else... Below is part of the reason February sucked. It is called a semla and is the Devil's food. It's served until Fat Tuesday - oh, so apt - so I will have my last one in a couple of days. Because I will have at least one more.


  1. I'm glad you had a good time on the cruise and hopefully things in general aren't too bad?
    ...took your mum long enough, then :/ hopefully she'd be nicer to you now? (I don't remember if it was your mum? someone used to be fairly mean to you that was fom your family iirc)
    Enjoy the semla :) hope things are going well with your bf too


  2. dreary yoghurts should be banned.

    dinner at 3pm? that's me lunch time.

    i honestly hope that these days get better. they don't sound very exciting! i feel like you've got to be right bored out of your mind to watch Emmerdale (fun fact: i've never watched it. i just looked it up and it sounds like something i'd have to be bored out of my mind to watch.)

    i'm glad that you had a great time on the cruise. you sound like you really need it. <3

    "A seminar isn't going to change the way I was brought up, with the shaming and the abuse." <- dear God, your mother. is all your family and extended family and the boyfriend's family this terrible? i know they could definitely be, but ALL of them?? i surely hope not. dear God.

    you were considering gastric sleeve? :( i really did miss a lot!

    not only does the thing that causes you to binge still be there, but there's also the fact that you don't need it. you are wonderful. honestly, as long as you aren't dying of diabetes or have sky high blood pressure that has given you grief or cholesterol that could make a cardiologist weep, i don't see the need to put you such an invasive procedure. you can lose weight if you want (and i don't feel like you need to but if you want, you can.) but honestly, it's not that important for me as seeing you have a good relationship with food. and there is the binging thing. i think you should honestly go somewhere where you can talk about this (either in real life or on the internet or to someone... talking about it with someone that understands really helps me. because when you don't binge, you want someone to share that victory with you!).

    binging is not something that should ever be taken lightly. it really cripples your life. i don't care that it makes you put on weight. that's not important. the effect it has on your life does. and i honestly hate seeing you like this. i want you to go out, breathe a little air. i know it's so so difficult but it's what you deserve. i hate that something so accessible to everyone else is just so hard for you. it should never be like this. you deserve so so much better than this.

    and yes, do enjoy your semla!

    I LOVE YOU!! xx

    comment reply:

    "Food is scarier than spiders and the vacuum machine combined." the vacuum machine too!?

    -Sam Lupin

  3. Hi I'm the anon with the gastric band question. Oh dear...It seems I have ruffled feathers of Tempest but I did not mean to.

    I never said or thought it was a "magical cure" for anything! I just meant it as exactly that, a bandaid solution for ONE of the things that distressing while still continuing to have ongoing mental health care in whatever form.

    For one thing I wasn't sure if it was covered by Healthcare in Sweden or even really a thing there.

    I'm sure things can go wrong but I suppose that's what you speak to the consultant about in an honest fashion.

    I do know two people who did it near to me and they had good results, psychologically as well. But of course I can see individual cases are always different.

    But WOULD I want a quick or magical fix for you if it made you happier? The answer is yes.
    I have been reading your blog for ages and yes, I'd love to see you happier even if in a cheat-y or temporary way because I like you and want you to enjoy yourself.

    I hasten to add I wrote this my SO is obese and doesn't make any difference to me. I myself have had binge disorder but am ok now. So anything is possible!

    But if it's not an option, then it's not an option and that's cool.


  4. Svar: Ja, det är hemskt. Har slussats runt i ett halvår. Inget händer. Blir så arg.